ATTENTION LADIES: My unofficial dating coach is now going public via his own website (Click it! I promise it’s great!) That’s right, my real-life, recently married, attractive, and successful male friend created a blog that may or may not have been inspired by awkward women like me… or who are, in fact, me. He’s not an uber-Christian “I believe in The One” kind of guy or a young punk trying to get laid. He’s been straightening out my best friend for a few years–she’s gone from a self-conscious, sweaty palmed virgin to a woman with a (finally) doting boyfriend. He keeps our heads on straight while also encouraging us to act like the women that we are. It’s like having a personalized version of He’s Not That Into You. Not much into following blogs? He’s even got Twitter.
My awesome Big Bro thinks my blog is funny; he also thinks there are a lot of women out there like me. You know, the ones who aren’t too bat shit crazy and need a kick in the butt over dating. Let’s be honest: most of the time, we’re sabotaging ourselves. If you’re like me, and you don’t have a real brother to remind us of how hormonal and insane we are being… you can borrow this guy. If you’re still questioning his judgement, I asked him a few questions. Enjoy!
Meet Your Awesome Big Brother
1. Why are men pansies about approaching and calling women these days?
All men aren’t pansies when it comes to this, but in general, this is a fair question. I was always very hesitant in approaching women because I seemed to approach the ones that were very forceful in their rejection. It quickly made me “gun-shy.” A lot of guys are further scared off because even smiling at a passing woman now is sometimes seen as an advance and met with rejection as well … you know, the “I’m not interested” line. “WTF?! I just smiled at you, yeah you’re hot, but I am not wanting to try to do you right here in the street.” The truth is, approaching women is one of the most difficult things for the majority of men to overcome and, unless he’s been drinking a good bit, he has most likely been talking himself into it for quite a while.
The calling thing, I think, is just a mix-up in perspective. It’s not that I don’t want to or am scared to call you. It’s just that when I do it takes too long; we talk about things I don’t care about, and nothing interesting has happened in my life since we last spoke. Just because we don’t call, it doesn’t mean we aren’t interested in you anymore, only that we’d rather not talk on the phone.
2. A girl with a vibrator: sexy, slutty, or other?
Great question. The answer: all of the above. When you “can’t get no loving,” men are not against you taking care of yourself. Hell, we do it all the time, so why shouldn’t you? There are some guys that will get a little weird if you pull it out while you’re together, but it isn’t going to be a deal breaker unless you start trying to put it in him. Even then, who knows, you may have a really interesting fellow on your hands (this is the “other” part). You’ve heard the phrase, “Times New Roman in the streets, Wingding in the sheets” right? We dig that you have a little bit of slut in you. Bottom line is that, having a vibrator can and should be all of things at different times.
Whew, thank God.
3. What about your wife made you realize she was worth marrying?
When we went on our first date, I had been out of a 3.5 year relationship for only 3 months. She, on the other hand, had never been able to stay in one for over 6 months or so. She said that she didn’t see the point in staying with someone just to stay with someone … so then, ON THE FIRST DATE, I launched into a somewhat bitter, but not directed at her, monologue that ended with the phrase, “men and women just aren’t meant to be together, we are all just stupid people who don’t understand each other.” My goal was to be flat-out honest and not give a crap what she thought, but she didn’t bat an eyelash at would have been a red flag for most girls. The rest of the night, she understood where I was coming from and I understood where she was coming from – we couldn’t stop talking. Our relationship has since continued to be built on believing the best in each other, but understanding we will both let each other down a lot too. When, on that first date, she agreed that we are both screwed up beyond reason, she showed me that she had the potential to be a partner that I could build something with. Of course, the decision to marry her wasn’t made on our first date, that decision came with time, but it was all built on the foundation from the first night. It was also a huge help that we were both looking for a serious relationship not a random fling.
4. You know me well enough. Why am I not married yet?
Firstly, I don’t think you want to be married yet, which is reason enough. Secondly, you are a dynamic woman and it will take a dynamic man to complement that. Finding a dynamic man is like trying to find an alcoholic that only drinks on Tuesdays, they exist, but they are very hard to find. It also may not be helping that you are using Tinder to accelerate finding options. Dynamic is not the description I would use to describe the clientelle on Tinder – Horny? Yes … Dynamic? Probably not. It must be fun to meet people on Tinder though and I applaud you for doing it, but if marriage is the goal, you have to present yourself as someone looking for marriage to people looking for marriage as well.
Yeahhh, dynamic. I can work with that.
5. Do you believe that every good relationship has one olive eater and one olive hater? I do.
You know, quite honestly, I have never thought about it, but I hate olives and my wife likes them so I would have to agree. I can’t get over the texture of olives and, when combined with some of the saltiness, I can’t help but think it is what sperm tastes like. I mean, I’m sure someone on mydisgracefullife could answer that one for me! If I’m correct, what does that say about the men who love olives so much?
6. What’s so unattractive about a smart girl? Seriously.
Nothing is unattractive about a smart girl … intimidating, yes, but not unattractive. Smart girls are typically very confident and typically try to hide the fact that they are vulnerable. That is very intimidating to men because, to be with a woman like that, we have to prove that nothing ever bothers us either. My wife was the “smart girl,’ and it worked out for her. Let’s go back to my first date example. Once I voiced my frustrations with men and women and their weakness in relationships, so did she. She shared her vulnerabilities in the past, I shared mine and we realized we both kind of sucked. Boom! Perfect match, we both are vulnerable and suck! On top of that, smart girls don’t see the need to stroke the male ego either, but in actuality the male ego is a weakling in need of fuel. I think that smart girls could quickly change their luck by slipping in a few “you’re kind of a big deal” comments and conceding the fact that while you don’t “need” a man, you actually need a man. Same goes for men, if any are reading this.
I’m currently marinating in this answer.
7. Guys say they don’t like too much makeup, but that’s obviously not true. They pine over NFL dancers and Photoshopped models. Why lie about that?
I am about to blow your mind. We don’t like makeup regardless of how much we pine over NFL dancers and models. The dancers and models are figments of our imagination and if we were interested in anything other than having sex with them, we would tell them to stop too. Sure, it looks great on TV or when seen from a distance, but we don’t want some girl making our pillow zebra print with her eyeliner. Up close makeup looks terrible when it is caked on, plus we always feel like it’s a huge gamble to pick up girls that wear lots of makeup. If a girl needs that much makeup, what on earth does her actual face look like?!